One Small Step
by DeniseV
Summary: What happens following the freeze frame in the episode Take It Like a Man?


"Clay," Mac started, so many emotions working their way through her that she didn't really know at that very second what would come out of her mouth next.  
  
Clayton Webb had just admitted that he loved her. Their time together these last eight months, longer if she included the time spent as a couple in Paraguay, had been rocky at best, including one period where they had cooled their romance for a while. But the last couple of weeks had been devastating. She longed for the early days of their romance, just after Clay had been given a clean bill of health and he was still working a desk as he eased himself back into his place at the agency. The excitement of those early days, the sensual exploration of their shared passions for one another, had made her happier than she could remember. They were inseparable back then. They seemed destined for a long and loving life together. The fact that so many people had commented about how content she looked was a testament to the happiness that she and Clay shared.  
  
But Clay's long periods away had done a number on her good humor. Despite her growing feelings for him, she found herself increasingly disappointed in the long term possibilities, even though she knew the odds always were that she might go extended periods not seeing him. In the beginning even that was not a problem – it made the homecomings that much more special, his returns always an exciting adventure, the passion and intensity of their lovemaking surprising to them both.  
  
As the periods away got longer, they coincided with unbearable gaps where not only was Mac not seeing Webb, but not hearing from him as well. This was something that she had not signed on for. At least she didn't think she had. Accepting that this would be the norm had been tearing her apart, the decision that it meant for her foremost on her mind during all of the recent lonely nights.  
  
And then Sadik Fahd came back into her life. The decision on the future of her relationship with Webb now seemed more complicated. She needed him more than ever, though Clay seemed more distant than at any time since his return from the devastating torture he'd suffered at the hands of the terrorist. When he did call, his attention was rarely with her. And his most recent return brought an unwelcome companion: caña. Though he wasn't drinking to excess, yet, he had found something that succeeded in soothing his demons. And that brought a strange sense of jealousy on Mac's part; not about the alcohol, just something, anything to ease the pain.  
  
A decision on their future, whether they stayed together or not, would have to include addressing Clay's chosen method to numb his pain.  
  
Mac's own actions recently to try to forget about pulling the trigger on Sadik had consisted almost exclusively of throwing herself fully into her work. Her extreme actions and reactions to people and events of late, and her continued denials of needing help, could go on no longer. It was one thing to lash out at Harm and the admiral, her recent conduct with her partner and her boss irrefutable evidence in their eyes that Mac was still suffering from the stress of killing the terrorist.  
  
And even her behavior around Clay was something she would have continued with, her denial was that deep. But the recognition that what she was going through, and her reactions to it, could affect her work in such a negative way - that was the straw that gave her the clarity she so desperately needed. Seeking professional help, though still not something that she felt necessary, did help her to focus on what she had to do to begin the healing.  
  
That one small step now brought Webb's sweet words of love. She loved him, she truly did. But she feared moving forward with a relationship, for what she felt were sound reasons. How wise was it to expect this relationship to last when it was based on such an extreme event in their lives? Her current mental state was as good of a reason as any to not proceed, the threat of hurting more people, especially Clay, ever present in her mind.  
  
And finally there was Clay. His efforts to avoid any confrontation with her had, in the end, made sense, though she was not fully convinced that she shouldn't still be mad at him for those efforts. To be fair, he was hurting as much as she. Two people as messed up as they were – did it make sense to try to continue the romance when they were constantly at each other?  
  
But she loved him. Why would it not make sense for them to work together, to help each other through their torments, to commit themselves to making each other happy?  
  
Mac had far more questions than she had answers. What she did know was that Clay had some time left before he would be off on a plane again. Maybe they could take the next week to talk and be together and figure out the best way for each of them to heal. She had made her peace with Harm, at least in regard to her blistering, shameful conversation with him in ops just days ago, and had satisfied the admiral's order, though she knew she still owed her boss an apology.  
  
Now it was time to take care of the most important man in her life.  
  
Though she felt close and safe in Clay's embrace, she needed him nearer to her emotionally. His admitting that he loved her was the verbal sentiment that she had felt and for which she had held out hope for some time. Their anxious and hurried lovemaking of late had blinded her to seeing it, but hearing those words had warmed her and eased her heart, a heart that was bursting at that moment, happy to be the lucky woman on the receiving end of those feelings, and grateful that she had not lost him with her hurtful words to him those few days ago.  
  
She took her right hand and cupped Clay's cheek, his response surprising in its longing yet painful at the same time. His breath hitched as though expecting some other reaction from her. He paused momentarily, slowly accepting the reality of Mac's gentle touch.  
  
He seemed so tired, the strain of dealing with Mac's roller coaster emotions had drained him. He'd spent the last few days convinced that they were through, so the feel of her hand so lovingly caressing his cheek was threatening to overwhelm him. He closed his eyes, wanting to drink in as much of her touch as possible. This was a cure far more powerful than any bottle of caña.  
  
Mac brought his face close to hers and kissed him, warmly, lovingly if not passionately, saving that emotion for a more appropriate time.  
  
Clay returned the kiss, a sweet kiss full of yearning and hope. He had taken a chance telling her that he loved her. His history with Sarah Mackenzie never really allowed for this type of relationship; Harmon Rabb hovering in the background seemed to dictate no future for the spy and the Marine colonel. If that hadn't signaled how their relationship would develop, Mac's own history with men projected a short term affair, at best, though his own track record didn't boast any long-term successes either.  
  
It mattered not what their pasts held; it was the here, the now, and their future together that mattered.  
  
Clay moved away, reluctantly, from the beautiful woman who so willingly returned the love that he was so ready to share. Though Mac had acted erratically of late, he too said things that he wished he could take back. They had both sought the professional help that their superiors dictated, yet it was obvious that those sessions just barely took the edge off of their shared pain.  
  
They had both sought other ways to make up the difference.  
  
Looking into Sarah MacKenzie's eyes, in the shadowed light that she had chided him for, Clay felt sure that he knew what the next step in their healing should be.  
  
The spy grasped the Marine's hands in his own once again and asked, "Sarah, could you do me a favor?"  
  
Mac looked at this man, the man who had grown so dear to her over these last months, the man who still opened the door to her after she had told him in such a horrible way that he could never make her happy. This man, who almost died for her. A man, who when she demanded that he stop trying to shut her up, actually listened, a reaction so different from the other men who had managed a place in her life, or of the one man she had thought for years would have that place in her life.  
  
How lucky she was to have this man. She knew at this moment that she could grant Clayton Webb anything he asked.  
  
Tears came to her eyes as a smile lit her face. "Anything you want, Clay," she said, a touch of worry, and just a little bit of wonder mixing with the joy and love – a strange jumble of feelings that held both hope and trepidation for where they were headed with their relationship.  
  
Clay freed one hand from Mac's grasp, holding tightly still to the other, and wiped away the tears falling down her cheek.  
  
"I didn't mean to make you cry," he said, his own eyes damp with the emotion they both felt.  
  
"It was bound to happen," Mac laughed lightly, taking her free hand and wiping the tears from her other cheek. "It's not often you get to hear the man you love say he loves you, too."  
  
"I meant it. I love you. But..." he started, a little choked up, but also a bit apprehensive about how his suggestion would go over. He'd had many indicators the last few days that Mac would not be forced into anything. He hoped that she would see the benefit for them in his idea.  
  
Mac gasped slightly, the 'but' sending a shiver through her that she knew Clay would not miss.  
  
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, yes. Go on." Clay thought she looked suddenly sad, or was it frightened?  
  
"I thought it might be good...that maybe we could get away for a few days. Away from thinking about Sadik, or dealing with work. Or with other people. Maybe we could just work on us, on healing." Clay turned his head from the deep brown eyes, the glass behind him at the top of the list of crutches he'd tried out recently to make it through the day. He hoped they could deepen what they had together, that where they were headed would make him strong enough to no longer need that other kind of help. "Maybe have some time to concentrate on what we have, on what we can be together."  
  
Mac smiled at the suggestion. It bode well for their future together that through their separate pain they were still able to come up with the same idea for starting the healing process.  
  
"I'm pretty sure Admiral Chegwidden would approve my request for leave, and escort me out the door as he signed the paperwork." Mac laughed at the thought.  
  
'God how I love that sound,' Clayton Webb thought.  
  
"Yeah, between A.J. with you..."  
  
"And your mother," Mac added quickly.  
  
"And Harm," they both said, not needing to finish, knowing that they both understood that those closest to them could often be the most disruptive influences in the quality of their time together.  
  
They also both knew that the subject of Harmon Rabb would need to be addressed in these next few days.  
  
Clay dropped his head to his chest and sighed. His exhaustion enveloped the space he and Mac currently shared. Mac felt terrible for her part in his worries, though she knew that the way she'd been treating him lately was only one factor in her 'significant other's' tired and pained state.  
  
Clay had been back in the States just a few days, his trip halfway around the world to be by her side after he had heard of what happened with Sadik was no doubt a wearying one. In hindsight, it was also a warm and loving gesture, though in Mac's own tortured state she had failed to see it that way. She had only been able to feel the bitterness of his not being there when she needed him.  
  
She now realized how unfair that initial reaction was.  
  
Mac looked at Clay with concern. His drinking these last few days, though nowhere near out of control, was a serious concern for her. She knew the signs, though these early signs did not always mean what it meant for her and so many others like her. But her love for Clayton Webb would force a confrontation about the drinking, and especially about the caña. Caña could not be in Clay's long-term recovery, and it would certainly not have as prominent a place in their future together as it had in their life these few days past.  
  
Mac stood up, taking Clay's hands. She pulled him lightly and said, "Come on secret agent of mine. You're dead on your feet."  
  
Clay smiled at the endearment and said, "I'm sitting, Sarah. I can't be dead on my feet."  
  
"Details," Mac chided, pulling him up to a standing position. "Upstairs," she instructed, pointing him in the direction of the staircase.  
  
As they reached the first landing, Clay turned and asked, "Y-you're staying tonight?" The hope, the need that Sarah MacKenzie heard in the stuttered request broke her heart. She had really done a number on Clayton Webb this week, a wrong that she would begin to right this night.  
  
Clay had worked hard these last eight months to build back a reputation that had been damaged by the Angel Shark affair, the demotion to Suriname and then the tangled mess of Paraguay and losing Sadik Fahd. As he had earned his way back to being the go-to operative at the CIA, he had managed to renew the agency's faith in his abilities as he renewed his own self confidence.  
  
He had come a long way from the wounded soul who had survived a failed mission and terrible torture the previous spring. Mac hoped her hateful words to him did not start him thinking that he was not worthy of that faith in his re-built career or his self confidence. Or of her love.  
  
"Of course I'm staying," she replied, moving in close for a kiss. She found his mouth willing, too willing maybe. Mac broke off the kiss and said, "You need to sleep. And so do I."  
  
"I haven't slept..." Clay started.  
  
"You'll sleep tonight. I love you Clay. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right beside you all night."  
  
"I am so tired," he said, holding the back of her neck as Mac moved close again, their foreheads finally touching.  
  
"I know," Mac said as she pulled Clay into a tight embrace, taking his head and nestling it alongside hers, the couple now cheek to cheek on the staircase leading to Webb's private quarters. Clay rested his chin on her shoulder, drinking up the feel of her arms around him like a man far too long denied.  
  
"Let's get to bed," she said as she clasped his hand, interlocking their fingers as they walked up the rest of the steps as one. "I'll talk to the admiral first thing tomorrow, and then get back here as soon as I can."  
  
Clay smiled a tired smile as he followed her into the bedroom.  
  
********  
  
"Admiral, could I come in for a minute?"  
  
"Of course, Colonel."  
  
"I want to apologize for my behavior of late."  
  
"Have a seat." Chegwidden watched his senior lawyer sit uncomfortably before him.  
  
"I don't know how to tell you how much I regret..."  
  
"Mac, you don't need to continue. I accept your apology. I think you did the right thing in seeking help, even if it wasn't until I strong-armed you into it."  
  
"I have to say that I have mixed feelings about the outcome of those sessions."  
  
Chegwidden smiled at the not unexpected reaction. "You're entitled to your opinion about that. I think, upon reflection, you may find them more helpful than you think." Chegwidden was impressed with Mac's resolve – her eyes never veered from his in speaking her mind on the discussions with the psychologist.  
  
"Thank you, sir. Admiral, I'd like to request some time off."  
  
"Thank God. It's about damn time," A.J. Chegwidden said with decided relief. Mac couldn't help but smile.  
  
"I know, sir. A few days, maybe a week if possible."  
  
"Of course. How much time will you need to get Rabb and Turner up to speed?"  
  
"Not long, a few hours maybe."  
  
"Good. Then you're dismissed. And I won't expect you back for a week," Chegwidden said, looking at Mac over the rim of his reading glasses.  
  
"Sir, it may only be a few days..."  
  
"Humor me, Colonel. You've got plenty of leave coming. How about scheduling another session or two with the shrink while you're off?"  
  
"Sir, Webb and I..."  
  
"Colonel, I understand you and Mr. Webb might have some things to work through, and you'll want to spend some time alone. But you've both been through a lot this year. I expect if you need help, you're both smart enough to ask for it."  
  
"Yes sir. I'll keep that in mind." Mac was still not convinced of the benefit the counseling might bring, but what she did know, from experience, was the benefit of appeasing her commanding officer. And to be fair, the military counselor had made some salient points during their last session. Mac decided that having her number handy for the short term couldn't hurt.  
  
"Good. Dismissed."  
  
"Aye, aye, sir," Mac returned as she headed out of the JAG's office.  
  
"Oh, and Mac," Chegwidden called before the Marine lawyer had reached the closed office door. "Try to relax. You did the right thing with Sadik Fahd, remember that."  
  
"Thank you. I will, sir."  
  
"And tell Clay not to be a stranger."  
  
Mac smiled, knowing that the admiral had built a special relationship with Clayton Webb over the years. She knew it was a complex relationship; she also knew that Clay never spoke of it. At least not with her. She suspected that Harm knew more about that complicated friendship than she did. She hoped that would change the closer she and Webb got. But knowing that a bond existed between these two men that she cared deeply for was a very special feeling for Sarah MacKenzie.  
  
She knew that Harm and Clay's relationship was even more complicated, if currently strained. That was also something she hoped she could have some influence over in the near future. Having a hand in that transformation would have to wait until she had worked out her own recent difficult relations with the stubborn Navy man.  
  
"I'll tell him to give you a call before he leaves Washington." Mac smiled a grateful smile as she left the admiral's office.  
  
The Marine colonel entered the operations area and looked across to her partner through his open door. Harm was deeply ensconced in working his way through several files on his desk.  
  
'One down, one to go,' she thought as she stepped into the doorway of Harm's office.  
  
"Do you have a minute?" she asked, choosing to wait for an invitation before taking a seat.  
  
"Yes and no," he answered without looking up. Moments passed before he finally raised his head and saw the serious demeanor his partner displayed in his doorway.  
  
"Actually, I could use a break," he smiled. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Quite a lot," Mac replied as she closed his door and took a seat. She crossed her legs and rested clasped hands in her lap, steeling herself for the conversation ahead. Rabb watched, curious about how uncomfortable his partner appeared. It was obvious Mac wasn't ready to begin, so Harm took the first step.  
  
"What happened between us lately doesn't have to mess up our ability to communicate. I accepted your apology."  
  
Mac looked up and saw the sincerity in Harmon Rabb's face. Through all of their ups and downs, and their many years working together, there was always the friendship that kept them grounded. She hoped that friendship was strong enough for this next phase in their relationship.  
  
"I'm glad. I still feel terrible..."  
  
"You weren't yourself, Mac."  
  
She could feel herself getting angry again. She didn't need the reminder of how she'd been acting.  
  
"Please. Harm. Don't."  
  
"Okay. Okay." Rabb looked closely at Mac, knowing she came in for a reason, and that reason was certainly not to re-hash the ugliness of the last few days.  
  
"Let's forget about that and talk about why you're here."  
  
"I'm taking some time off."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Clay and I are going away."  
  
The Navy man sat back in his chair and observed his partner. Their conversations in Paraguay, her decision about their relationship, and Mac dating Webb these last months had distanced the lawyers from one another. Mac's generous testimony during Mattie's hearing, on the heels of his terrible verbal condemnation in her apartment, showed the true depth of their friendship, despite its continued shakiness.  
  
Rabb, for his part, still held out some hope that she would come to her senses, that they might have a chance at building a relationship that took them in a different direction. His time with Mattie had given him some clarity. He had learned to let his guard down, and open his heart. He felt that he could be the right man for the Marine before him, if he could have the chance.  
  
"Really? Is that wise?"  
  
"We think it is."  
  
"I'd like to come over and talk about it," Rabb said, knowing that he could not go into this feelings the way he wanted to at JAG headquarters.  
  
"I'd rather you didn't. Whatever we need to say to one another we can say here."  
  
Mac saw several emotions cross his partner's face: sadness, disappointment. Longing? He had not moved on from their time in the Chaco Boreal, still thinking that his coming down to South America to save her was some sort of turning point in their relationship. He hadn't yet come to the realization that his gesture really was too late.  
  
"I'm not trying to be mean, Harm."  
  
"You'll need to work on that," Harm said, sarcastically.  
  
"Look, I'll be over at Clay's tonight..."  
  
"Good. It's okay if he's there. We should probably all talk."  
  
"No. No we shouldn't. What's going on here, Harm? Clay and I have made a commitment to each other. You do understand that, right?"  
  
"I think you might have rushed into that relationship. I think you might feel an obligation to him, for what he went through."  
  
"You think I don't know why I'm with Clay?"  
  
"I think you might be denying your true reasons for being with him, yes."  
  
"How dare you?" Mac leaned forward, placing herself as close to her Navy counterpart as the desk would allow. "And what on earth makes you an expert on relationships?"  
  
"Watching you mess them up, one after another, for eight years?" Harm could tell from the shocked look of disgust on Mac's face that he'd gone too far. "I didn't mean..."  
  
"I know what you meant," Mac said flatly, standing and moving behind her chair, her body language saying she wanted to be anywhere but there. "It's amazing how eloquent you can be in court and how cruel you can be in your personal dealings."  
  
"I don't think...I don't mean to be cruel. I just care about you and I don't think you're thinking straight."  
  
Mac rolled her eyes and laughed derisively. "Thanks for the concern, Harm. The heartfelt warmth you've shown today is touching."  
  
"Why are you afraid to address this directly? Why not let me question Webb about his intentions?"  
  
"I'm not going to let you talk to him right now." She folded her arms in front of her chest, defiant as a mother protecting her young.  
  
Or rather, a Marine protecting her man.  
  
"Why?" Rabb asked, and then realized what Mac had said. "What do you mean right now?"  
  
Mac stared him down, but knew she had to explain what she'd just said.  
  
"I don't want you cross-examining him." She began to pace. "He's...vulnerable right now. We both are, but I've developed a thick skin where your...judgments are concerned."  
  
"Mac, isn't that then a better reason to not go off alone? You're both still dealing with the aftermath of a serious event. I just think you might be denying the reality of your feelings for him." He seemed sincere, Mac thought. Harmon Rabb was very good at that – it was part of what made him such a good lawyer. But Mac couldn't help thinking that Harm had his own interests foremost on his mind.  
  
"We have access to professional help if we need it. And to be frank, you are not qualified to counsel anyone on denial, Harm. So please don't."  
  
"I want to help. Clay's my friend, too. You both are."  
  
Mac looked at her partner and shook her head. She did not want to leave Falls Church today with bad feelings between them. Mac looked at him, knowing that she would again yield to Harmon Rabb's wishes in order to hold on to a friendship that had far more positives than negatives. How many times had she done that through the years? Today, unfortunately, fell squarely into the negative column. But that was something she would have to deal with when she got back.  
  
"Let's plan to get together when Clay and I get back."  
  
Rabb knew when he'd lost a battle. "If that's what you want."  
  
"It's the way it has to be." She let the unspoken meaning sink in for the Navy commander and then said, "Can we get together with Sturgis sometime in the next hour to go over the cases I'm working?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Mac stood to leave. As she opened the door Harm said, "I really only want what's best for you."  
  
"Do you trust me enough to believe that I know what that is?" she asked as she turned and left the room.  
  
The End. 


End file.
